George Burns Said:

# Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
# Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
# By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
# Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
# Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
# First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.
# For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died. (Gracie)
# Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
# Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
# I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
# I can’t afford to die; I’d lose a fortune. (All my best friends)
# I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
# I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
# I’d announced that I was going to sing and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I’d manage to fight my way through that ring and sing anyway.(Gracie)
# In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it. (Gracie)
# If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
# It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
# Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. (Gracie)
# Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
# Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
# Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
# There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.
# Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
# We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away. (Gracie)
# When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, “No … he’s dead.”
# When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
# You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.